I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
