I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
