My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
