I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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