Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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