you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
