Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
