he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
