i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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