The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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