I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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