bring money and cleavage
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
