I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Randomize
