She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
