I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
