got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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