i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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