Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
