Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
