Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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