you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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