He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
