just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
