It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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