I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
They are going to name an STD after you.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
