Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's paper in my vomit.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
