I accidentally burped into my bong.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
