Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize