dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
