walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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