is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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