Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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