She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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