doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
