Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
