if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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