I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
