You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
