He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
