Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
