so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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