my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
