Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
