dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
