the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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