and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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