Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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