Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i need some magic done to my vagina
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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