You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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