can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
