I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
