Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
