U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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