I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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