Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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