I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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