tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
