So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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